Bush Bathroom Tier List — Spambler '26

It’s exactly what it sounds like. I reviewed and ranked every single bathroom I could think of that upper schoolers use. You’re welcome, and trust me when I say that this is the tier list you didn’t know you were waiting for.

DISCLAIMER: These reviews are largely based on my personal experience and preference. There are many factors to consider, the primary one being how pleasant or unpleasant the experience was. I also pulled most of it from memory, because visiting every bathroom just to write a review would be a colossal waste of my time.

S	GR 3rd Floor Stairwell For some unknown reason, this is one of the few bathrooms stocked with Mrs. Meyer’s Clean Day hand soap. One student reports going out of their way to frequent this bathroom because the soap smells so divine. It’s also very clean, because most people only visit the 3rd floor for a quick chat with John and Maria. It’s a trek, but the level of privacy you feel is unmatched by any other. If you happen to be on this floor, petting the dogs, eating candy, and then using the bathroom is a 5-star experience.
A	Basemont Clean, pristine, and frequently forgotten because very few classes are taught in the basement. It’s a carbon copy of the USS bathrooms, but in a much more obscure location with low foot traffic. Overall, a very pleasant experience. My only gripe is that during lunch, you have to awkwardly walk through the D&D club’s hallway gameplay to gain access. GR 1st Floor Stairwell Equipped with all the bells and whistles, it has handrails, toilet seat covers, an open outlet next to the sink, menstrual products, a copy of Bush’s Experience magazine, and so much more. There’s even a frosted glass window to let natural light in, with the option to open it, though I’m not sure why you ever would—at least, not while you’re sitting on the toilet. The stall is also designated as an accessible bathroom, which is a bit ironic since it’s located beside two stairwells, but it’s wonderfully spacious nevertheless. And yet, I find it somewhat lacking in the “wow” factor. Perhaps it’s the obscure location. For whatever reason, it isn’t my go-to Gracemont choice.
B	USS Basement Glorious. Beautiful. Magical. Clean, spacious, private, and SO. FAR. AWAY. The toilets fully flush, it smells like air freshener, and there are more than enough private stalls to go around. The personal mirrors are a nice touch, but all too often disappear without warning. The automatic appliances work 80% of the time, the main culprit being the broken soap dispensers that are currently being supplemented by standalone hand-pumps. And let’s not forget the biggest drawback: it’s a million miles away. USS 2nd floor Located awkwardly across the hallway from Christine Miller’s office and within sight of the USS workroom, these bathrooms formerly housed a thin cloud of strawberry-scented mist, although the strange aroma has since been remedied by recent technological upgrades. Traffic-wise, it’s always awkward when a teacher and a student arrive at the same time and engage in a silent dispute over who gets priority. Should both stalls happen to be occupied, you must stand in the hallway and desperately avoid eye contact to discourage conversation. GR 1st Floor Hallway Keep your gaze on the floor, or you might accidentally look Sharon in the eye as you enter and exit, which is an awkward experience for everyone involved. The stall is very well-stocked, as it comes with a complimentary menstrual product dispenser and an external water fountain. Passive reading is also provided. Between the vaping awareness poster and the little book of teen hotlines, you’ll be occupied for the duration of your stay. GR 2nd Floor Stairwell Incredibly spacious, you could fit an entire friend group in here. However, this commotion may not be appreciated by Sinead, who works next door. Fear not, you can listen to the relaxing lull of the muffled voices that drift from her office instead. I actually think we need to add a mural or a large, potted plant because at times, this bathroom feels a bit too empty. It’s a great facility, but completely devoid of life. Schuchart Gender Neutral “Locker” Room Having not been there myself, I gathered outside input for this one. It is reportedly very quiet and spacious, and with the subtle whiff of air freshener, it smells neither amazing nor awful. There are lockers available for athletes, and one student reports spending up to fifteen minutes resting in the bathroom because it is so relaxing and peaceful. Unfortunately, it’s located at the very end of the hallway around the corner, and is seldom vacant, making it a poor option in terms of convenience.
C	GR 3rd Floor Hallway I genuinely did not know this bathroom existed until about a week ago, when Alice from College Counseling happened to be standing right next to the sign. I’ve never seen anyone use it, and I, for one, walked right past it throughout the entirety of high school on my way to the stairwell bathroom (I still do). Gold star for stealth, I guess. Hopefully, John and Maria enjoy how clean it is. Benaroya Not only do the individual stalls lock, but the main door also locks, so we can call it a gender neutral bathroom. The faucets are of the push-to-use variety, meaning they either run for three seconds or three minutes, leaving you feeling frustrated regardless. Benaroya is the definition of a bare-minimum bathroom, as it provokes neither avoidance nor indulgence. Schuchart Girls’ Locker Room We either need to stagger changing times, build a loft full of changing stalls, or rewind to before Adam and Eve discovered shame, because countless poor souls find themselves frantically hopping in place while the toilet stalls are occupied by people changing into uniforms. This issue prevails even when students utilize the shower stalls as well. Despite the many stalls, there are only three sinks, which somehow manage to be both conservative and wasteful, as the automatic faucets run for a concerningly long period of time. Let’s be honest, nobody takes the entire 30 seconds to wash their hands, so a large amount of warm water is wasted because the faucet timer seemingly never ends. Schuchart Library It’s a bit of a hidden power move if you wish to avoid the chaos of the lobby and locker rooms before sports practice. There are two private stalls, and availability is high, as elementary schoolers have not yet developed the strange pastime of spending fifteen minutes in a public restroom. However, they occasionally grow tired of waiting and pound on the door. There is also a 50/50 chance that you find a large, shallow puddle encircling the toilet, and due to its unknown origin, I strongly suggest that you avoid it. Schuchart Gym Aside from toilet stalls and sinks, these bathrooms are completely empty. As gym facilities, their main job is to provide a quick stop between basketball drills, so the minimalist design is totally valid. I don’t use them very often, so I have neither praise nor criticism. The water fountains are nice, though.
D	USS SWAMP Between the classrooms and the SWAMP, there is way too much foot traffic, and getting into one of these stalls requires incredible speed or endless patience. Design-wise, the vacancy indicators on the door handles are both a service and a disservice. If the panel is red, nobody dares to even knock. If the panel is green, still nobody knocks, but rather, simply barges in. Multiple students report being walked in on should they forget to lock the door, as the concept of knocking has seemingly dissipated from society. This is also the first bathroom where I noticed the flashing red light on the ceiling labeled “PUSH TO TEST.” I can only guess what it does, and must suppress the primal urge to press it, simply suffering in silence. Wissner You may be thinking, “No distinction between the 1st and 2nd floor bathrooms? What gives?” Well, I have the same question. WHY IS THERE NO BATHROOM ON THE SECOND FLOOR??? The next time your teacher asks why you left class for more than five minutes, tell them you had to journey all the way downstairs and trek to the other side of the building to the lone Wissner bathroom. There isn’t even a banned books poster to distract you in there. You’d think we ought to decorate the stalls a bit more to apologize for all the foot traffic they put up with. They also get toilet clogs at least once a month, and the swinging door is a serious get-smacked-in-the-face concussion hazard. Schuchart Boys’ Locker Room For so many reasons, I have never personally entered the boys’ locker room, and thus had to gather input from other sources. After interviewing several individuals, from seasonal athletes to occasional passersby, I have gathered that the boys’ locker room is by no means a charming experience. The space is reportedly messy, littered with duffel bags, muddy shoes, and the occasional pair of boxer briefs. Many students testified that the smell is displeasing, especially near the toilets. However, unlike the girls’ locker room, there are few to no traffic jams. This could be due to a lack of site popularity, or because most people don’t care to change in the stalls. One student reports losing their wallet, another losing their headphones. Multiple students avoid this locker room altogether, but it is still the default choice for many. MLK Hallway What can I say? Not a lot. Pretty standard public restroom. The lighting is a bit gloomy, and the floor has a dusting of dirt, but all the necessary appliances are present. I do appreciate the “please knock” sign, an asset that the USS bathrooms may benefit from. No fragrant air freshener, no colorful posters… this bathroom simply does its job, and for that, it has my respect.
F	Art Studio The light switch is a timer on the outer wall, and you get to predict how much time you’ll need, though I suggest giving yourself a two-minute buffer just in case. The stall is quite cramped, and I’m not sure the lock actually works. I’ve never stuck around long enough to find out. It’s the only bathroom in the art building, which also happens to be the only building that still uses the old-school round brass doorknobs. Still, there’s no other choice. Unfortunately, if you aren’t taking Black and White Photography, the entire class knows how often you have to use the bathroom because the stairs make an echoing, creaking racket as you enter the room. Just keep your head down and avoid eye contact. MLK Parking Lot It smells like mold, and there are cobwebs everywhere. When you stand up, the stall door reaches your chest or waist, depending on how vertically challenged you are, and you can see into all of the other stalls. The sink is patchy and half rusted, and there are no soap dispensers. There’s no shelf or countertop either, so the plastic soap bottles sit awkwardly in the middle of the trough. I’m convinced that the Ghostbusters used to receive commissions here because if you listen closely, you may hear the faint voices of lost children echoing in the walls. Consider yourself lucky that these bathrooms are off-limits to Bush students (save for the Nordic ski team).