I HAD UNC WINNING IT ALL. I Regret Nothing — Spambler '26

Every March, millions of Americans fill out March Madness brackets using analytics, advanced metrics, and years of basketball knowledge. I used vibes, a grudge list, and my Instagram feed. Here’s how it went.

Let me start with the obvious: I had 16-seed Siena over 1-seed Duke. Now you may be saying, “That is never going to happen,” but anything is possible, especially when you’re a poverty basketball program like Duke. Now we all know UNC is better anyway, so… GO HEELS! (Sorry for the propaganda.) Picking Duke to win anything is simply something I cannot do consciously. This is not a biased basketball take. It is just common knowledge. Funny thing is, they almost did lose.

From there, I leaned into my convictions. I had St. John’s making a deep run because Rick Pitino, in his famous suits, is simply unguardable in March. I passed on Darryn Peterson because he is a fraud and should not be anywhere near the top ten of the NBA draft. I, of course, had Darius Acuff Jr. and Arkansas going far because Acuff is HIM—so much so that I watched a one-hour video of “Darius Acuff bagwork” during school, and I regret nothing. He is tough.

I passed on the Hofstra and Akron TikTok hype. I am not a fool who is easily swayed by social media. Except for the Louisville-USF game, where my Instagram feed told me USF was the pick and I listened. I do not want to talk about it. 

Santa Clara deserves its own paragraph. I had the Broncos pulling off the upset over Kentucky. Unfortunately, they got CHEATED by the NCAA. The Santa Clara coach clearly called a timeout before the ball was inbounded on the game-tying shot. Somehow, at the same time, Kentucky’s Odafe Oweh decided to become Steph Curry and drained a half-court shot. That loss is not on me or my bracket. That loss is on the officials. 

When making this bracket, I firmly believed I had mapped it out perfectly, giving me a chance at the Warren Buffett billion-dollar challenge.

Here are my Final Four picks.

Arkansas over Michigan in one semifinal. I want to be clear that I know exactly what is going to happen with Michigan. Granted, Elliott Cadeau is talented (maybe a bit of a stretch). Elliott Cadeau is also, historically (I know this because he used to play for UNC), a player who sees a big moment and hands the ball directly to the other team. I picked Michigan to make it to Indianapolis anyway because I am an optimist and I hope the best for future UNC coach Dusty May (*wink @UNCAtheltics). Anyways, their joy doesn’t last long because I have them losing to HOF coach John Calipari and Darius “waive-off-the-screen” Acuff, as the real ball-knowers would call him. 

On the other side of the Final Four, I have UNC dismantling St John’s. Rick Pitino in a white suit can only take you so far. Against my glorious king Seth Trimble and Henri Veesaar firing on all spots, even the drippiest head coach in all sports in America isn’t enough. UNC was built for this moment. The Heels were going to bring the championship to Chapel Hill. 

This brings me to the final: UNC versus Arkansas. Caleb Wilson versus Darius Acuff. The two best future NBA players in the country. I had UNC winning it all—not because I'm biased (I never have been), but because when Seth Trimble enters full Michael Jordan mode, he is unstoppable. Take a moment to stop reading this article and say it with me, “IN SETH TRIMBLE WE TRUST.”

Now you may be wondering if I have been living under a rock. Yes, I know UNC lost in the first round to VCU, an 11-seed, after blowing a 19-point lead. My entire bracket—the Final Four, the championship, all of it—was built on UNC, and it just collapsed after the first day of the tournament. DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT IT.

As of today (March 24th), UNC has just fired its head coach. I had them winning it all, and now their coach is gone. Caleb Wilson is still injured. And we lost to an 11-seed.

I leave you with this:

1. GO HEELS!

2. There is always next year for your bracket. Probably.

3. And Duke will never win an NCAA Championship.

You’re welcome for giving you some ball knowledge so you don’t have to rely on your Instagram Reels or TikTok feed.