Tales of the Malicious Goose (Vol. 4)

Detective John Franks of the Seattle Police Department entered the conference room, irritated. He didn't want to be in a meeting; there were too many people committing silly crimes in these streets. Normally, these crimes wouldn’t interest an SPD officer, but Detective Franks was also a prolific member of the Fun Police.

Franks closed the door, then sat on the other side of the table from his boss in the Fun Police, Rebecca W., and her assistant, Lynn. (Rebecca W. continuously insists on having her surname initial used whenever she is referenced. Employees of hers made fun of this habit, but after their swift arrests, no one has since commented on it. No one has any idea what her surname is.)

“What is this about? And can we make this fast? Sillydoers are still roaming these streets!” Franks said as he sat down.

“That's just it, Franks. Tell me, was there anyone you were planning to arrest?” asked his boss, Rebecca W. 

“Well, obviously the notorious Mr. Burglar Man!” Franks exclaimed. Wasn't it obvious? Mr. Burglar Man’s silliness was greater than anything he’d ever seen.

“And was there something else you have been trying to catch?” Rebecca W. asked.

“But of course! The Malicious Goose! Haven't you heard me scream about catching it whenever it escapes?” Franks said.

“Franks, I’m afraid we are going to have to put you on probation,” Rebecca W. said, completely monotone.

“But… why?” Franks stammered, shocked.

“It appears you’ve been having too much fun working for the fun police.”

“But, no! It has been very serious work. How could I be having fun?” Franks asked desperately. 

“Lynn, show him the incident at the bar,” Rebecca W. ordered.

Franks paled. That was one case he never wanted anyone to see. The TV on the wall clicked on to show security footage of Franks arresting Mr. Burglar Man during some incidents none of these articles covered, but it wasn’t the arrest he was looking at, it was his own chuckle he had just after the arrest.

“If you would please follow Lynn to the cells; don't resist if you want to retain your old position.”

*

Franks sat down on the stone bench behind cold iron bars. How could he let it come to this? He knew he was having too much fun arresting sillydoers, but it couldn't be helped. The best he could do was hide it.

“Funny seeing you in here,” said a familiar voice. Franks looked to his side to see Mr. Burglar Man sitting beside him, “What are you in for?”

This was truly the greatest punishment that could be conceived. 

*

A team of well-armed and heavily armored men escorted a high-security containment unit down the hall. Inside was one of the greatest threats to the entire world: a goose. Alas, this was not the Malicious Goose, the greatest threat. No, this was the French goose Goosetave, the only goose to come close to rivaling the antics of the Malicious Goose. The containment unit was brought to a high-security cell and was locked in place against the wall. Unlike the opening scene of Jurassic Park, the containment unit properly fit against the wall and safely ejected its prisoner into the cell. The cage closed before the box released from the wall, preventing Goosetave’s escape. The unit was moved from the room with two men, leaving four men to guard the cell.

The Malicious Goose had not seen Goosetave’s capture personally; it was instead a wee gosling who alerted the goose. Now it stood in front of the prison in the dead of night. The building was an imposing structure, intimidating to most, but the goose would be the terror here. It waddled around to the back of the building, where it found a box it knew to be the source of the power. There was a sign on the box that said, “breaker box. Please do not touch it.” The goose pretended it did not know how to read, ignoring the fact that it was already weird that it could read. 

It tore out the power, sending the building into complete darkness. Red emergency lights and sirens blared to life as the goose snuck in through a window. Guards rushed to every major entrance, conveniently ignoring the one place the goose somehow managed to get in through. As it explored the compound, the goose picked up a pamphlet that conveniently had a map that the goose used to find its way to the high security containment facility deep underground.

The goose’s path was not uncontested. Several times, it ran into guards, whom it easily dealt with before continuing on its way. With the help of the pamphlet, the goose managed to make its way down with expediency. Finally, the goose made it downstairs and came face to beak with the four, sorta sleepy security guards. The five of them faced off, with several cinematic shots of each of them. Goosetave, from within its cage, even started playing Western standoff music. 

All of a sudden, there was a flurry of action, so intense and exciting that I didn't have room to narrate the whole thing. Instead, we’re gonna skip forward to the point where all of the guards were unconscious or running away, and the goose was left unscathed. The goose then approached the cage door, locked behind the most powerful seal imaginable: a four-digit code. The goose was running out of time. It tried guessing several combinations, but nothing was working. Soon, the entire guard force would descend upon it, and the goose would have to do another skipped-over fight sequence. It tried guessing numbers over and over, unaware that the combination was simply 1111. Oh. It seems the goose heard me as it now plugged in the correct answer. 

The massive vault-like door unlocked bars and pistons in a dramatic and needlessly overdone display, before an out-of-the-way small door opened in the corner of the room off to the side, making the whole display entirely pointless. Fog poured out dramatically as a familiar silhouette stepped through: Goosetave. The geese exchanged several honks of reconnection and appreciation, but they were cut short by the guards' approach. The two geese readied themselves for another epic action sequence that I will once again skip over for the sake of this article’s length. 

*

John Franks and Mr. Burglar Man were tearfully bonding over a discussion of the artistic beauty of Pixar’s Up, but their conversation was cut short when they lost power. Guards rushed past their cell, and there was a very hasty roll call. Afterwards, there appeared to be a call for all the guards, because they all rushed off. Franks swore he could hear comic-book-esque fighting sounds in the distance; there was even a Wilhelm scream in there once. Then the Benny Hill theme started playing, and shortly after, waddling noises. A white goose then walked around in front of his cell. It paused to look at him, holding Frank’s gaze for a moment that felt like an infinity. The goose honked and waddled away. A grey goose then walked around in front of his cell. It paused to look at him, holding Frank’s gaze for a moment that felt like an infinity. The goose honked and waddled away. Franks leapt forward to the bars, screaming, “I’ll get you one of these days, Malicious Goose!”