Vice and Virtue: The Pie

Vice:

I am very particular; anyone who knows me knows this well. The two textures I love more than life are crunch and wet. That's why my favorite food is tofu, because it can be both crunchy when fried and wet when raw. Of course, this picky condition of mine has become a detriment to my life. Now, I must direct you to the main course of this column. Thanksgiving is coming fast upon us and among the many foods upon the table, apple pie will almost certainly be present. You see, apple pie checks all of my boxes. Crunchy crust and soggy spiced apples sound like a dream come true—a reverie of sorts—but as with many things in life, they are often better in conception than reality. 

My lust for pie is obliterated the second it touches my tongue. For starters, I hate apples for the same reason I hate blueberries and purple grapes: inconsistency. An apple can be flavorless, dry, juicy, sickly sweet, thick skinned, and a downright displeasure! They can be anything under the sun, and for me, I need them to just be crunchy and tart. Second, some things are born crunchy and must die that way, like onions. Yes, I eat raw onion, because when you caramelize it, it becomes damn near slop! The mushy mess, apple pie, is the nightmare fuel that keeps me clutching my pearls as I walk by the Thanksgiving table. I find myself eating the ice cream and leaving a plate with untouched pie. Alas, to each their own, go turkey gobble some apple pie for all I care, less apple pie makes a better world.

Virtue:

I, on the other hand, am right in saying that apple pie is the best Thanksgiving pie on the table. Forget pumpkin. Sure, fall is dominated by all things pumpkin, but pie is just not its forte. I mean seriously, let's just stick to pumpkin loaves, muffins, and donuts; those are top tier. When it's put in a pie? Gross! It's all one peculiar texture, and the flavor isn’t even good enough to make up for that. Then comes in the most delectable, heavenly apple pie. Boy, does she steal the show. Yes, apple pie is a woman, and a showstopping one at that.

A warm, spiced hug wrapped in a flaky golden crust. I’m melting just thinking about it, which reminds me of that vanilla bean ice cream seeping into the pie. It really does just get better and better. On the point that apples are inconsistent, they aren’t, at least not when baked into a pie. Each chunk becomes more or less the same softness while still maintaining a bit of that same classic apple crunch. Flavor aside, it's an incredibly fun pie to make. I used to love peeling apples with that cool spinning peeler, watching all of its skin spiral off and fall to the ground. Plus, making an apple pie is a group activity; whether it's with family or friends, it's a blast, and an art form. That lattice on top really brings it all together! What a masterpiece.