Tales of the Malicious Goose (Vol. 5)

The Safeway felt innocuous to the outside eye, save for the suspicious lack of activity surrounding it. The fragile illusion was swiftly broken by the blaring of sirens and the appearance of an inordinate number of cop cars. They all did impressive coordinated wheelies before parking around one of the entrances in a semicircle. Seemingly forgetting that there was a second main entrance, and several back entrances they might have needed to cover. Within the semicircle, parked at a dramatic angle was Detective John Franks’ car, from which he dramatically stepped out of his car. He had made his partner, Officer Brooks, drive just so he could pull off the entrance.

While the majority of the police on the scene were standard SPD, a select handful–including John Franks–were Fun Police. This was, after all, a silly crime that had been committed, and Detective Franks knew exactly who the culprit was: Mr. Burglar Man.

Mr. Burglar Man was the epicenter of all silly doings that Detective Franks had put an end to. He was Franks’ greatest nemesis, second only to the Goose. Now I request a moment of silence to let the emphasis of “the Goose” sink in.

Franks led the armada of police into the store, where he found everyone cowering in fear. Detective Franks ignored them, leaving the other cops to handle them. Instead, he fixed his attention on Mr. Burglar Man, who had just gotten his most recent minimum wage job as a cashier. He, too, was cowering under the counter. 

Detective Franks approached boldly, doing his signature whipping off of his sunglasses, “Mr. Burglar Man, we meet–”

“SHHH! It will hear you!” Mr. Burglar Man interrupted desperately.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, so I am going to ignore you. You are under arrest for committing the most heinous act of silliness seen yet, in front of so many people, no less!” Franks declared boldly. “I’m disappointed in what you’ve become.”

“It wasn’t me, I swear! It was–oh no, it's back!”

Franks turned in shock as he heard it. The waddle, the padding of feet, it couldn’t be, it was the malicious… duck???

*

Franks stood on the precipice of his headquarters, looking out into the deep night. Beside him, a beacon light with a goose head pasted over its face. He couldn’t believe it had come to this, but it had to be done. The Beacon shot to life, aimed at the sky, revealing… nothing. It was a cloudless night, so the light didn’t show up on anything. Franks slapped his forehead in response. 

“Of course it didn’t work. Why did I think it would even work! It’s not like you’re Batman or anything,” Franks ranted.

“Honk!” the Goose agreed.

“Now how am I supposed to call–” Franks jumped back in surprise, “The Goose!”

 The Malicious Goose stood beside him, staring at him with unfeeling eyes in a spot Franks knew had been empty only moments before. It's where he stood when he dramatically looked out over the city.

“Honk!” the Goose implored.

“No, you’re right, this isn’t about my hunt for you.” 

“Honk!” the Goose demanded.

“Your power is being challenged. There is a new threat to the seriousness of this city,” Franks explained. He was disappointed there wasn’t any dramatic music to back this (in what he imagined to be) epic scene. No! Franks reprimanded himself. Those are silly thoughts! Be serious!

“Honk!” the Goose asked.

“Who?” Franks asked in turn. He had no idea who this ‘Tom Thomson’ was that the Goose was referring to. Completely unaware that this was the actual name of the so-called Mr. Burglar Man, despite having been told this fact several times. Mr. Burglar Man was the name Franks had called Tom, and now refuses to think of him as anything else. 

“Honk!” the Goose clarified.

“Ooh, no, not him. He’s still a manageable threat. The new threat is a Mallard Duck!” Franks announced and was shocked to see lightning crashing in response to his declaration.

*

The Duck Pond was full to the brim with mallards. Children called it a wonderful sight, but they were foolish. This was no duck pond to the mallard ducks. It was a staging ground here, the ducks plotted and planned. Their plan was to defecate across the entire city! It was brilliant, the best thing the ducks have ever come up with. And it was all thanks to the Malicious Duck. Now the Malicious Duck counts his troops, as they prepare to begin their assault. I, the narrator, will translate any and all duck-related conversations.

The Malicious Duck swam around the pond, “duck, duck, duck,” it counted, “duck, duck, goose, duck- wait, Goose!?” 

There in the middle of the pond was a long-necked goose, with an air of maliciousness the duck couldn’t begin to rival.

The Malicious Goose lowered its neck in warning, hissing, “There can only be one malicious sort of avian in this city!”

The goose chased the duck with violent fervor, drawing awe from everyone nearby and fear from those who ended up too close. The Duck held its distance from the Goose, but was frequently surprised by the length of the Goose’s neck as it would spring forward and nip at the Duck’s tail feathers. Their pursuit brought them into Ballard, where they ended up on top of some random shop. 

“Your reign of pranks cannot be yours forever!” the Duck declared in one last-ditch stand, as it stopped out of breath.

“It will always be mine!” the Goose hissed back, “nothing you could do will ever top even my worst prank.”

“So you say, but I had just the plan that would have torn you from your throne,” the Duck countered.

“Really? And what great plan do you have that will rip my title of best prankster from me?” the Goose asked.

“We were going to defecate across the entire city, and will still do so!”

The Goose stared at the duck for a long time, unflinchingly. After a while, the Duck began to think he managed to surpass the intellect of the Goose. His hopes were shattered when the Goose finally honked again, however.

“That is about the stupidest idea for a prank I've ever heard. I had to shut another goose down from that idea, once it’s so bad,” the Goose said, dumbfounded. “You aren’t even worth the effort of dealing with.”

The Goose turned away and prepared to fly. “Oh, I also brought some friends to deal with your friends,” it said before taking to the sky.

The Duck stood in dawning horror as it found his plans unraveling before it. To put the cherry on top, goose poop suddenly hit the Duck's face from above. The Duck fell to its knees and quacked to the sky, “I’ll get you one of these days, Malicious Goose!”