If TV Show Descriptions Were Accurate

We’ve all seen it, and we’ve all thought it. The two-sentence summary of nearly every popular TV show is painfully inaccurate. The carefully crafted blurb represents the producer’s pipe dream of what the show could have been, and what the audience wishes it were. It’s time to rewrite these delusional descriptions to reflect the naked truth.

WARNING: I only watch TV when I’m sick, lonely, or running on fumes at 2:00 am, so you’ll have to make do with the hours of C-tier crap I’ve absorbed.

LOVE IS BLIND

Original: Singles try to find a match and fall in love—without ever seeing each other face-to-face, as emotional connection attempts to conquer physical attraction.

Fixed: Performative singles fall in love based on age, income, and accent, as looks don’t matter because everyone is hot. Well, the women are, at least. Also, they’re getting married in 40 days.

PHYSICAL: 100

Original: One hundred contestants in top physical shape compete in a series of grueling challenges to claim the honor—and cash reward—as the last one standing.

Fixed: Athletes, soldiers, and gym rats play remodeled children’s games in a glorified flex-off, where the person with the shiniest abs wins.

WEDNESDAY

Original: Smart, sarcastic, and a little dead inside, Wednesday Addams investigates twisted mysteries while making new friends—and foes—at Nevermore Academy.

Fixed: A quirky goth teen accidentally flirts with boys and befriends a werewolf while solving mild mysteries at Hogwarts 2.0 with her trusted familiar, a severed hand.

THE MANDALORIAN

Original: After the fall of the Galactic Empire, a lone gunfighter makes his way through the outer reaches of the lawless galaxy with his foundling, Grogu.

Fixed: A gunslinging space cowboy teaches Baby Yoda how to aura farm on fetch quests across the cosmos, while routinely convincing all of his mortal enemies to become his allies.

STRANGER THINGS

Original: In the 1980s, Indiana, a group of young friends witnesses supernatural forces and secret government exploits. As they search for answers, the children unravel a series of extraordinary mysteries.

Fixed: A group of D&D friends enlists the help of other (much cooler) teenagers to defeat a demogorgon through slow-motion bike rides and dramatic hand gestures, although half the drama is generated by the hormones coursing through their veins.

XO, KITTY

Original: Following her heart to an elite high school in Seoul, teen matchmaker Kitty learns that life, love, and family are more complicated than she ever imagined.

Fixed: Never Have I Ever meets True Beauty in this heavily Americanized K-drama featuring a delusional Wasian girl who falls in love with nearly every person she meets while single-handedly taking on the frontrunners of South Korea’s rich and famous.

SPY × FAMILY

Original: World peace is at stake, and secret agent Twilight must undergo his most difficult mission yet—pretend to be a family man. Posing as a loving husband and father, he'll infiltrate an elite school to get close to a high-profile politician.

Fixed: A socially awkward elite spy assembles the most chaotic household imaginable, unknowingly striking a contract marriage with a professional murderer and adopting a horned child who can hear all of his disturbing internal monologue.

PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS

Original: 12-year-old modern demigod, Percy Jackson, is coming to terms with his newfound divine powers when the sky god, Zeus, accuses him of stealing his master lightning bolt; with his friend's help, Percy must restore order to Olympus.

Fixed: A half-god teen harnesses his humor, wit, and subpar swordsmanship to survive mythical death traps, awkwardly flirt with his friends, and crack dad jokes like Zeus is watching.