If School Had Yelp Reviews

⭐️ “The Water Fountain in Schucart” “No Pressure. 1/5. Would NOT recommend. Is there a reason why this water is warm? Is the school making us buy items from the vending machine by not fixing the water fountain?”

⭐️⭐️ “The Chairs in the Commons” “Comfort level: 2/5. The chairs in the Commons are not so much ‘seats’ as they are ‘torture devices.’ Every time I sit down, I feel like I’m on the Iron Throne of discomfort. Maybe they’re trying to prepare us for the real world, but in reality, they’re just trying to test our patience. They should come with a warning: ‘May cause back pain.’”

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ “The Library” “This is a hidden gem. You walk in, and it’s like stepping into a different dimension of calm. The smell of books mixed with the quiet hum of students pretending to study is oddly soothing. There’s also an endless supply of that one weirdly specific book you never thought you’d need, but suddenly, it’s exactly what you’re looking for. They’ve got comfy chairs and charging stations, so it's like a mini oasis in the middle of chaos. 5/5, would recommend for procrastination and pretending to be productive.”

⭐️ “The School Parking Lot” “Honestly, calling this a ‘parking lot’ is a bit of a stretch. It’s more like a game of ‘who can parallel park without hitting someone’s bumper while racing to get the last available spot.’ People drive like they’re auditioning for a Fast and Furious movie, and the chances of someone parking too close to you are about 95%. Plus, the school is located in such a prime area that the parking lot feels like it could use a personal valet service. If you manage to find a spot, congrats. But you’ll need to be prepared for a few rounds of ‘dodge the reckless driver.’”

⭐️ “The WiFi” “Let’s be honest, the WiFi is about as reliable as a fortune cookie. One minute, you’re streaming a video for class, and the next minute, you’re stuck staring at the spinning loading icon, wondering if you’ll ever get your research paper done. However, when it does work (which is a huge ‘if’), it’s not terrible. I’d say 3 out of 5 times it’s decent for basic tasks like Google Docs, but please don’t ask for anything more than that.”

🤮“No Cell Phone Policy” “I’m not sure what planet the administrators live on, but apparently, it’s one where the idea of students using their phones is a crime. The no-cell-phone rule? Let’s just say it’s like someone took the best part of being alive (being able to text and scroll mindlessly between classes) and threw it out the window. The moment I step into class, it’s like my phone has to go into ‘time-out’ — even though it could be the difference between me surviving a pop quiz or, you know, failing it. Plus, if I forget to put my phone in my locker, the guilt trip from the teacher is a real experience. Overall, it's like being in a weird parallel universe where we pretend to be in the ‘90s, but with WiFi. Can’t wait for this rule to be as outdated as dial-up internet.”

⭐️⭐️ “No Open Gradebook” “Ah, the mystery of my grades... It's like a suspense thriller where the ending is a surprise, and I’m the last to know. Apparently, at my school, grades are kept in a vault guarded by secretive, all-knowing teachers who refuse to let anyone in on their mysterious ways. Every test, every assignment, every moment of ‘what did I even get on that?’ is a game of Russian roulette. You don’t get to see your grades until “open gradebook week,” which is a delightful combination of anxiety and pure terror. Will I pass? Will I fail? Will I somehow still manage to scrape by with a B- despite doing everything last minute? No one knows. It’s like living in a financial suspense movie, but instead of money, it’s your GPA that’s on the line. The suspense alone is enough to make you question every life decision you’ve ever made. Honestly, I’m convinced the gradebook is just a magical black box where teachers wave a wand and we pray for the best. This system needs an upgrade, or at least a peek behind the curtain. 2/5, would not recommend."