How I Met My First Love - Spambler '26

People always ask me why I love plants, and I’m always shocked they haven’t found that answer themselves. For me, I suppose it started when I was a wee lad, and my dearest grandmother had a myriad of African Violets. They were these peppy little things with almost circular, fluffy leaves and colonies of nifty hairs that grew across the stems. These hairs made way for roots during propagation. When I’d go to her house, she’d have what seemed like hundreds of glasses with teensy cuttings inside. When she died, I carried on the tradition and vowed to collect every African Violet ever! Alas, this never came to fruition; I don’t even have an African Violet in my collection. Sorry, Grandma. 

I had a cactus, I didn’t even name him. Because I was a little devil, I liked to cut the little guy and watch him bleed. Of course, he never grew. Still have him to this day. I hardly water him, and scars still etch his skin. I hear the way he talks to the other plants, but they never believe him, or all the horrors he describes so vividly. Then I got an Alocasia Tiny Dancer, a pretty little thing, but I killed it. So I didn’t have an Alocasia Tiny Dancer. I also didn’t know what corms were, so I didn’t save any. Then I got a Pothos, and propagated it, woohoo, then killed it, boo! 

So I tried again, with a Christmas Cactus, Aloe Vera, an unknown cactus, an unnamed cactus, and a Jade plant. Spoiler: I killed the unknown cactus. Sorry. It was ugly, and that's grounds for murder in my book. Then my collection grew, and well, here I am today, over thirty-five house plants and still growing.

Here's the fun part of plants. For starters, they’re resplendent, chic, and make my room feel like a jungle. Not only that, but every time one of my plants starts pushing out a leaf, it’s like Christmas! I didn’t know you were in the giving mood, but thanks. This is because my plants grow super slowly since I hate spending money on quality fertilizer. Plus, you can sound straight up insane when someone asks you what you did this weekend, and you pull up a fifteen-minute timelapse of your plant getting less droopy after a good watering! 

My favorite part is showering them. Now, yes, this sounds crazy, but I swear it’s not. I consider it a treat for my greeny babies. I’ll pick my favorites for the week, take them behind closed doors, turn on some thunder sound effects, and shower them while flashing my bathroom lights. I want them to have the experience they never could have growing up. I’ll even imitate a monkey or lion if I’m home alone. Sometimes I even get in the shower myself and pretend to be a panther stalking prey at night. 

I’m not crazy, just in love, don't get it twisted. If you ever wonder why I’m so plant-obsessed, blame my grandmother. As I close this month's article, all I ask is that you take a walk to your local plant shop, whether it be the Sun Shoppe or the Peace Love and Happiness Club, and enjoy the artificial humidity and the smell of that good ol’ dirt. Smelling ya later, an old lady with a bald spot, seven kids who don’t call, and a sunroom signing off!