10 Tips to Finally Accomplish Your New Year’s Resolutions

Just around the corner, the holidays are a time to reconnect with family and share gifts with one another. This in-depth, scientifically-backed guide will discuss the most important gift you could possibly give yourself: a New Year’s Resolution. These self-promises are notoriously difficult to stick to, but the processes here will lay the foundations so that you may actually carry out your New Year’s Resolution in what will be an easy, fun, and eventually edifying journey of self-discovery!

1. Sufficient Sleep: High schoolers at Bush, and across the several states, lament that living up to the somnologists’ dream of 8 hours of sleep is an impossibility. To resolve your sleep woes, consider using school time to make up for any missed sleep. The best times to accomplish this include: history lectures, english discussions, and Tom’s math tests. To take it a step further, work to master the art of somnambulation so that your teachers still believe that you are awake and fully engaged. 

2. Exercise: The long and arduous walk from Bush to Pagliacci’s burns many calories. Using the mental image of a warm slice of pizza as your motivation, walking to and from this pizzeria will ultimately offset the calories you gain by eating there. Over the course of a few months, this will add up to improve your cardiovascular health.

3. Improve Your Grades: This one’s still a mystery. 

4. Eat Healthier: With the recent shift of power in our country’s Executive Branch, there will be no need for you to make an effort to accomplish this goal! The new health commissioner, RFK Jr., plans on eliminating the harmful substances in our foods, which include baking soda, sugar, wheat, eggs, and milk. 

5. Save Money: Stop paying the Bush tuition. 

6. New Year, New You: With the 21st-century fluffy hairstyle, groups of teenage boys are beginning to resemble lively processions of alpacas. It is time to make a change. Start a new fad by asking your barber to give you a mullet, mohawk, or bowl cut. These unique hairstyles will allow you to differentiate yourself from the rest of your alpaca pod and will give you social credit. 

7. A New Hobby: Dude ranching is out, and ant hunting is in. Though students may believe that USS has been rid of its ant infestation, this is exactly what the small critters want us to believe. Take initiative by hunting any ants you see to make sure these sources of displeasure never haunt our hallowed halls again. 

8. Another New Hobby: Redesign the Bush Logo. Contact students currently taking Computer Art with Will Baber for guidance. 

9. Travel: Everyone seems to say they will soon travel the world, but never end up doing so. Break out of this; start your senior trip with your friends right after Cascades end. 

10. Community Activism: If you wish for the New Year to spark a mindset of devotion to others in yourself, consider starting your altruistic endeavors within your school community. Grab a group of friends and occupy the MLK Community Center. Set up tents, and become masters of sign-waving. Your steadfast devotion to the cause will likely result in the City of Seattle making this one last concession to the Bush School, allowing us to finally resolve our parking issue and be rid of the $100 fines.